What do I want, really

I'd say I am not currently at the state where I am fully satisfied with my life, my work, my bad habit, almost my everything. It's running in my mind ' Keep improving, don't stop, keep moving, you can't be lazy anymore, work harder yes you can do it, fight harder...' It's just been 8 months since I came back KL. I truly miss Melbourne, it's a place where I can let my hair down, and still earn a good living, despite staying far from family and boyfriend (which is already a major concern). I know putting more effort in something you want could have changed things, but I understand about give and take, and fair and square to each other, I know I had to do something and not regret/ complain about it. This is a choice I made, and I have to work hard to fight for better, I know I could even if I am struggling a bit sometimes.

Have you got a feeling when you are really pissed at yourself, but you are still not doing anything to rectify it, and you just continue to be pissed, and blame yourself? Maybe you haven't but I am still doing it. And I HATE IT, so so much. I don't blame the stress given by some people around me (maybe I found the stress by myself, not being 'given'), it's some factors which are pushing me to move faster, when I normally move slow, and relaxed. Hey don't forget I was brought up in Brunei! :P the wonderful place <3

Oh well...It could just be too much of focus on minor negative things in life. I still enjoy a lot of aspects in life, company and tolerance from friends, boyfriend, love & care from family... But when I think about work and all those bad habits (which never got improved, just good at being said repetitively) & disappointments I see from people's face, I get too exhausted. I feel like giving up, I tried failed cried struggled in heart but nothing change. When I get criticisms, I accepted it but my heart hurt, where were the expectations I put on myself? Did I set it too high for now? The worst thing is when you know there is really noone who could help you get up but yourself.

I know it's tough, but I gotta stay strong. BUILDING A STRONGER HEART to live, to live to my best in this complicated world.

GOD BLESS ME:)